Friday, October 4, 2019
For better or for... uh sorry
I decided to post this entry though it no one reads it, including me... I rarely get on here.. but I want it for the record that I had to make some pretty hard choices this year, and I always put my husband and our two children first. Well, my husband moved out in July this past year, though I am not ashamed to say, I begged him to stay. Ugh... I don't recognize myself. What happened to me I am thinking now? My family had always been my priority and it got blown apart. I've been shot through the heart... omg yes I said it. Now I have to redefine what family means to me and how to save myself and my kids from so much heartache that a divorced family brings. I wish they didn't experience it this early in life, but we will all get through it together. I grew up in a single parent home and I have an amazing role model who did much more with much less.
Tuesday, March 5, 2019
Rise.. Rise... Along with Mental Illness
Well here we are, I finally posted my old drafts. One of them literally says Well. haha Never have I ever thought I was not original. :)
The two year update was probably something like "OMG.. I live in California now! MSH who is now MDH finished his residency and here we are! We thought we'd get to stay but circumstances beyond our control brought us here! Etc... etc."
There are so many things I want to do.. And as a former Business Systems Analyst I seem to have developed a perpetual case of Analysis Paralysis... it's something like Medical Student Syndrome where med students think they have every disease they learn about.
So, onto mental illness... so having lived with some sort or other of depression my entire adult life, I finally decided to do something drastic about it and give Ayahuasca a try. It's this earthy-muddy, sour, tangy brew that I drank with a few others in the jungle in Peru. And boy did I feel different... I no longer felt depressed and thought I had found the path to recovery. Along comes the hardest year of my life... and sits me down to tell me what's what. The hardest part for me has been the pain it's caused my family. My husband who has to watch as I slowly fall apart instead of thriving after working hard to achieve our dreams and the guilt I imagine he cannot allow himself to feel for moving us out to California (I was not initially completely on board with moving out here). Worse yet, the effect on my children has broken my heart more times than I care to count. My son and daughter who are bright and want nothing but to be accepted and make friends and do good for themselves and others in turn are struggling. So, what I thought was going to be a bumpy yet mostly smooth (I'm allowed to contradict myself if I'm talking about pain because it's multi-faceted like life! :)) change has turned out to be a lonely, dark journey that doesn't yet seem to be at an end.
All this alongside our belief that mental illness is something that's passed on/triggered by negative circumstances and without the emotional support necessary for children to deal with change. So, we are trying to rise and rise and help our children to do the same. To be a positive force of change and to model behaviour for them that they may one day want to emulate and do better with themselves.
Hot, hot runs... Getting cooler
I have been running for over six months now and I still love it. I'm a slow runner jogger but I
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Well that was a blast
It's only fitting that I update my vegetarianism run. And as a few times in the past, I failed. Again. I was vegetarian for two years. And then I gave up. It was difficult to make two meals one for the kids & MSH, and one for myself. To boot, sometimes MSH ate at the hospital, and the kids barely eat enough for one whole person so I would make these ridiculously tiny portions. And because anemia runs through my family I didn't want to deprive them of iron rich foods... So after two years of being guilt free, I'm again eating breathing, sensing, animals.
The first meal on my list sushi! Followed by steak. Yes, I'm sort of hypocrite, but I decided to own my meat eating ways rather than be a martyr. I think it takes a big person to do that.
The first meal on my list sushi! Followed by steak. Yes, I'm sort of hypocrite, but I decided to own my meat eating ways rather than be a martyr. I think it takes a big person to do that.
Tara turns five
For little Miss Tara's fifth birthday we threw her a birthday party at an indoor playground. I say we but really it was 'I' because MSH is away in Brooklyn doing his rotations (currently surgery).
Miss T's birthday was a lot of fun to plan
Miss T's birthday was a lot of fun to plan
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Sugar and Meat Junkie?
83 days ago I ate the last omelette I ever hope to eat. I used to have meat at least once a day... sometimes twice. Then for a number of reasons (more on this later) I came to the conclusion that it is possibly the worst thing I could do to my body, besides not exercising.
I didn't want to set out determinedly and fall flat on my face, so I promised myself that I would go 40 days without meat, a sort of Lent. That's all. And after that I could do as I wanted... eat all the meat, sushi, eggs benedict or whichever previously living, breathing, sensing, autonomic I wanted to tear into.
Before I made this promise to myself for the 40 days, I mentally listed all the things I would never enjoy the same way (or at all)... Sushi, steak, salmon, brunch(!) and chicken nuggets. I reasoned, I have eaten enough of these in my life and it is only 40 days.
First few days were torture.... first thing I noticed was how the meat eaters are always taunting us with their drumsticks. At every turn, someone was offering me a burger or offering to split a pepperoni panzerotti! Shame on them! Second salient thought on the subject that I can recall is how the heck do vegetarians survive? There's only so much veggie stir fry with rice, or same stir fry in wraps, or pasta that a girl can eat!
Of course as with any big change in my life, I spent hours on Google trying to figure out all the wonderful life changes that I was going to wake up with on the following morning. I now know that was impatient of me.
There has been a change, albeit one known only to me: my sensitive stomach and gut are thanking me.
67 days ago I gave up refined sugar. This is the single most difficult thing I have ever done. I need to delve into this one a bit more. But for now let's leave it at that.
I didn't want to set out determinedly and fall flat on my face, so I promised myself that I would go 40 days without meat, a sort of Lent. That's all. And after that I could do as I wanted... eat all the meat, sushi, eggs benedict or whichever previously living, breathing, sensing, autonomic I wanted to tear into.
Before I made this promise to myself for the 40 days, I mentally listed all the things I would never enjoy the same way (or at all)... Sushi, steak, salmon, brunch(!) and chicken nuggets. I reasoned, I have eaten enough of these in my life and it is only 40 days.
First few days were torture.... first thing I noticed was how the meat eaters are always taunting us with their drumsticks. At every turn, someone was offering me a burger or offering to split a pepperoni panzerotti! Shame on them! Second salient thought on the subject that I can recall is how the heck do vegetarians survive? There's only so much veggie stir fry with rice, or same stir fry in wraps, or pasta that a girl can eat!
Of course as with any big change in my life, I spent hours on Google trying to figure out all the wonderful life changes that I was going to wake up with on the following morning. I now know that was impatient of me.
There has been a change, albeit one known only to me: my sensitive stomach and gut are thanking me.
67 days ago I gave up refined sugar. This is the single most difficult thing I have ever done. I need to delve into this one a bit more. But for now let's leave it at that.
Friday, July 5, 2013
Running and not running
I keep insisting to myself that I'm a runner... and failing miserably at keeping it up. It takes so much effort to get into running and developing good endurance... it should be a punishable crime by some fitness authority to be give it up so flippantly.
As I am determined to set things straight.. I joined a running group in Mississauga. It turns out, this particular group happens to run on weekday mornings only. Somehow, I ended up volunteering to be the leader for a brand new weekend group! Oh my. So, my job this weekend is to map out a route, pace and time and get back to the organizer.
Perhaps this is just the push that I needed. Time to lace up those Nike Freeruns (the Vibram Bikila's did a number on my foot this year - but that's another post) and get out there!
As I am determined to set things straight.. I joined a running group in Mississauga. It turns out, this particular group happens to run on weekday mornings only. Somehow, I ended up volunteering to be the leader for a brand new weekend group! Oh my. So, my job this weekend is to map out a route, pace and time and get back to the organizer.
Perhaps this is just the push that I needed. Time to lace up those Nike Freeruns (the Vibram Bikila's did a number on my foot this year - but that's another post) and get out there!
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Friday, March 23, 2012
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